spooky or what!

 

Moving into our extremely dilapidated and creaky old house, it seemed a reasonable question to ask Lucinda, who was selling it to us, and moving to a very nice, very new house not far away, if the house had any ghosts.

‘Well, I’ve never seen one!’ she robustly and rather cryptically replied.

So in we moved; the  whole process of which took five days, even though we weren’t moving far, and I found it all so stressful my face swelled up, first on one cheek, then the swelling travelled across my nose to the other cheek. No one was very interested, but at the same time, after having to leave several dinner parties early feeling ill, and once fainting spectacularly and inexplicably in the cellar, I discovered I was unable to eat any sort of gluten.

‘So when exactly did you become a coeliac?’ boomed my sort of friend, Prue.

‘Well more or less when we moved in here.’
‘And did you know Lucinda, your predecessor in the house, was a coeliac too?’ she persisted.

I did actually, but I hadn’t connected the two of us with any significance, why would I? Until the well meaning and sort of friend continued, ‘and I think you should get your house doused.’

 What! Why? And what am I going to do if I’m told it’s built along the wrong ley lines. Apparently it is better to be actually haunted, as ghosts are easier to deal with than imperfectly behaved ley lines!
 
Well I’m pretty superstitious anyway; no crossing on the stairs, nodding three times for a magpie, ladders, all the usual things. So when she came round again with a book, a rather chilling read about having one’s house doused for spirits, it was guaranteed to scare me, but if there were any troublesome influences, reassuringly I could have stakes hammered into significant points around the house which would divert the trouble, making appropriate corrections and ‘Diana, I feel sure there might be something amiss because when Lucinda moved out of your house she wasn’t a coeliac any more!’ 

So against my better judgement, which clearly had deserted me totally that day, I agreed for her to speak to a friend; some kind of healer. ‘He healed my dog!’ she bellowed triumphantly at me. I didn’t ever discover what was wrong with it.    

She negotiated with her friend who would come over and check out the geopathic stress levels of the house. He would need to see the whole house. ‘Don’t worry about tidying up Diana, he’s not coming to be looking at the mess.’ Well I did my best to put away as much as I could, as I couldn’t help feeling to be as profoundly untidy as I am might be construed as having a negative effect on the house. I didn’t want her friend having any excuse for finding poor energy levels inside. Our appointment was made for 1pm and Prue would come along too, so it made for an exhausting morning I can tell you. And as 1 o’clock approached I was actually feeling quite nervous. What if the house actually did have a problem? If it did would I really want to know? I definitely didn’t want to know if it was haunted, even if ghosts are apparently easier to sort out than ley lines.

And so 1 o’clock came. And went. Nothing. No friend of Prue’s appeared. And what is more, no Prue either! At first I was relieved, then gradually annoyed. Quite apart from the mental energy and considerable angst over all this, I’d actually wasted a whole morning tidying for heaven’s sake. At 4 o’clock I rang Prue.

‘Where’s your friend?’ I asked before she had time to say anything. When she did speak she was almost hysterical.
‘Haven’t you heard?’ she said, distraught.
'Heard what, Prue? ‘
‘He’s in hospital, he’s had a heart attack, this morning, haven’t you heard? On his way to your house!’

Well I know that’s terrible, but ‘How would I have heard, Prue, why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked. She said she thought his son would have rung me, but why didn’t she ring me? ‘Prue, why couldn’t you have told me!!’ I asked her incredulously, by now completely furious!

I saw her some time later in Sainsburys, where we spoke briefly, coolly; apparently he is completely recovered, but he didn’t ever ring me, and I still don’t quite understand. And I don’t know if she does either.

But a heart attack, on his way to douse my house! What does that tell you?

 

 

the patter of tiny feet

The autumn nights are drawing in, I've been clearing the long border and making blackberry jelly, the first fires have been lit, Downton Abbey is back, and here at the Old Vicarage are the other first real signs of cold weather; yes, the patter of tiny feet upstairs.  Well not just upstairs; everywhere. In the kitchen, and specifically the cutlery drawer, there is a very strong smell of mice. They are back to overwinter in our warm floorboards and thick walls, and during the PCC meeting held here last week around the kitchen table, there was a terrible pause while everyone held their breath to listen to the squeaking behind the aga.

‘Did you hear that?’ said the Vicar.

‘No?....Oh, that's......um.....probably the children.’ I said firmly, shuffling my papers in a pointless attempt to hide the noise. 'Tea anyone?'

So Tabby Mo has been allowed into the kitchen, and has obliged by performing the most impressive mousing I've ever seen. From apparent sleep in a wing chair he flew through the air to land on the dishwasher which was covered with glasses waiting to be loaded. So flawless were his leap and landing he missed all the glasses, and completed the single movement across from chair to dishwasher by lifting his head with a mouse in his mouth. I wanted to clap!!

Four years ago at 1am I was woken by the earthquake at Market Rasen. It sounded, and felt, as though a train was hurtling beneath the house. I sat up holding the edge of the shaking bed wondering what could possibly be happening.  I was alone with the children, who hadn't woken and I kept looking out of the windows to see if any neighbours' lights were on so I could ring them. But far more terrifying was the sound of the mice in the walls, scrabbling and squeaking to escape. I lay awake all night shivering in fear, convinced the mice had a premonition of an aftershock so great a huge hole would open under the house into which we would disappear. I could imagine the village the next day peering into the hole saying, 'Well that's disappointing. She made quite good cakes for the fete.'

But this week something upstairs has caused me the greatest concern. I know a lone mouse makes a noise so magnified it can sound like a whole army of rodents, and up in the attics here, undoubtedly there are mice, but whatever moved in above us was, without a doubt, much much bigger than a mouse, and in the deepest, darkest part of the night when one’s imagination is at its most vivid, I could believe the creature to be far larger than I initially imagined. After another sleepless night, and dispatching my husband on numerous trips up the dodgy loft ladder, well someone had to investigate, he went to the two excellent ironmongers for rat poison and traps, while I googled pictures of rat droppings. Should they be smooth like those of a mouse, because these weren’t. He returned with a trap, and those brilliant paper sachets of poison which you don’t have to touch, just leave on the tray provided with them.

The following night was fairly sleepless again while we listened to what sounded like an elaborate  game of marbles above our heads. Over morning tea in bed I wearily suggested my husband check the trap. A good keeper checks his traps every hour, I reminded the head still buried beneath his pillow. Up in the attic the trap was untouched, but the bags of poison had been moved and partly buried under a rough pile of leaves and twigs, and beside them was a collection of conkers and walnuts, which explained the game of marbles we had heard. ‘It’s a squirrel! Oh no, poor thing! We must take away the poison,’ I exclaimed.

‘No, No, it’s like a rat, we can’t have it in the house, think of the wiring, do you want the house to burn down!’ My husband was adamant. I did persuade him to block the two most obvious holes and maybe that has worked, or the squirrel is hibernating, or has eaten the poison, but we haven’t heard it since.